Life-writing by Zadie Smith

For a long time I’ve wanted to keep a diary. I tried throughout adolescence but always gave it up. I dreamed of being very frank, like Joe Orton, whose diaries I admired; I found them in the library when I was about fourteen. I read them half as literary interest and half as pornography, thrilled to follow Joe around the many corners of the city in which I had only walked but he had managed to have illicit sex. I thought: If you’re going to write a diary, it should be like this, it should be utterly free, honest.

But I found I couldn’t write about sexual desires (too shy, too dishonest), nor could I describe any sexual activity – I wasn’t getting any – and so the diary devolved into a banal account of fake crushes and imagined romance and I was soon disgusted with it and put it aside. A bit later I tried again, this time concentrating only on school, like a Judy Blume character, detailing playground incidents and friendship drama, but I was never able to block from my mind a possible audience, and this ruined it for me: it felt like homework. I was always trying to frame things to my advantage in case so-and-so at school picked it up and showed it to everybody. The dishonesty of diary-writing – this voice you put on for supposedly no one but yourself – I found that idea so depressing. I feel that life has too much artifice in it anyway without making a pretty pattern of your own most intimate thoughts. Or maybe it’s the other way round: some people are able to write frankly, simply, of how they feel, whereas I can’t stop myself turning it into a pretty pattern.

As a young adult I read a lot of Virginia Woolf ‘s diaries and again thought that I really should keep a diary. I knew enough about myself by then to know that the retelling of personal feelings in a diary was completely intolerable to me, I was too self-conscious, and too lazy for the daily workload. So I tried to copy the form and style of Woolf ‘s single-volume Writer’s Diary and make entries only on days when something literary had happened to me, either something I wrote or something I read, or encounters with other writers. That diary lasted exactly one day. It covered an afternoon spent with Jeff Eugenides and took up twelve pages and half the night. Forget it! At that rate the writing of the life will take longer than the living of it. I think part of the problem was the necessity to write in the first person, a form I have, until recently, found laborious and stressful. I was not able to use it with any confidence except in short, essayistic bursts. When I was younger even the appearance of ‘I’ on the page made me feel a bit ill – that self-consciousness again – and I would always try to obscure it with ‘we ‘. I notice that once I got to America this began to change, and then snowball; looking up the page right now I see more cases of ‘I’ than a stretch of Walt Whitman. But still I have some mental block when it comes to diaries and journals. The same childish questions get to me. Who is it for? What is this voice? Who am I trying to kid – myself?

I realize I don’t want any record of my days. I have the kind of brain that erases everything that passes, almost immediately, like that dustpan-and-brush dog in Disney’s Alice in Wonderland sweeping up the path as he progresses along it. I never know what I was doing on what date, or how old I was when this or that happened – and I like it that way. I feel when I am very old and my brain ‘goes’ it won’t feel so very different from the life I live now, in this miasma of non-memory, which, though it infuriates my nearest and dearest, must suit me somehow, as I can’t seem, even by acts of will, to change it. I wonder if it isn’t obliquely connected to the way I write my fiction, in which, say, a doormat in an apartment I lived in years ago will reappear, just as it once was, that exact doormat, same warp and weft, and yet I can’t say when exactly I lived there, who I was dating or even if my father was alive or dead at the time. Perhaps the first kind of non-memory system – the one that can’t retain dates or significant events – allows the other kind of memory system to operate, the absence of the first making space for the second, clearing a path for that whatever-it-is which seems to dart through my mind like a shy nocturnal animal, dragging back strange items like doormats, a single wilted peony, or a beloved strawberry sticker, not seen since 1986, but still shaped like a strawberry and scented like one, too.

When it comes to life-writing, the real, honest, diaristic, warts- and-all kind, the only thing I have to show for myself – before St. Peter and whomever else – is my Yahoo! email account, opened circa 1996 and still going. In there (though I would rather die than read it all over) is probably the closest thing to an honest account of my life, at least in writing. That’s me, for good and for bad, with all the kind deeds and dirty lies and domestic squabbles and bookish friendships and online fashion purchases. Like most people (I should think), a personal nightmare of mine is the idea of anybody wandering around inside that account, reading whatever they please, passing judgment. At the same time, when I am dead, if my children want to know what I was like in the daily sense, not as a writer, not as a more-or-less presentable person, but simply the foolish human being behind it all, they’d be wise to look there.

为人生而书写扎迪·史密斯
宁遂风便去,无凭亦无据
我想写日记的想法由来已久。整个少年时光里我都在不断尝试,但终归不了了之。我梦想着要像乔·奥顿那样率真,他的日记叫我钦佩。我在图书馆发现他的日记时,大约是十四岁。那时我阅读这些日记,一半是出于文学上的兴趣,一半是为看其中的色情描写——我心里怦怦直跳,跟乔转过城市里的角角落落——这些地方于我只是路过,对乔来说,却是他想法子不法放荡的风流地。那时我心想,日记就该这么写。就该这般完完全全地自由、坦荡。  但我发现自己写不了性欲。太难为情,太遮遮掩掩。我也写不了性事,那时根本没这方面经历。于是,日记成了虚假暗恋和空想恋情的乏味记叙。很快,我对此感到厌恶,便弃之一旁。再晚些时候,我又试了一次,这次主要写学校的事,像朱迪·布鲁姆笔下的人物一样,细细记录操场意外和友情起伏。但我脑中潜在的观众总挥之不去,日记便毁了:我像在做家庭作业。日记里,我总把事情往对自己有利的地方写,以防在学校有人捡到日记本,将之公之于众。这种日常书写的不实之举,这种大概只是装给自己看的腔调,让我深感沮丧。我感到生活里苟且太多,没法不用漂亮的图案掩饰自己内心最隐秘的想法。又或者存在另一种情况,即有些人能诚实、简明地表达感受,而我不能自已,只能将自身感受织成漂亮的图案。 
        
青年时期我读了许多维吉尼亚·伍尔芙的日记,再次感到真该写日记。那时我已能充分了解自己,认识到,在日记里重现个人感受,于我是根本无法忍受的。我的自我意识太强,也懒于每天劳累书写。于是我复制了伍尔夫那单卷本《作家日记》的形式和文风,只在有文学性事件发生的日子里写日记;或写写曾经写过的内容,或记述曾经的阅读,或记录与其他作家的接触。这本日记实际上只有一天的内容,写的是与杰弗里·尤金尼德斯一起度过的一个下午,长达十二页,花了半个晚上。算了吧!按这个速度,记叙生活比生活本身花的时间还多。我想问题在于日记必须用第一人称写作,这一直让我感觉费力且有压迫感,直到最近才改观。只有在简短随笔的情感迸发中,我才有信心用第一人称写作。更年幼时,纸上的“我”字也会让我感到有些不适——又是自我意识作祟——我总尽力用“我们”模糊“我”。我发现自己一旦到了美国,这种情形就开始改变,然后愈发明显;现在再看日记本,上面的“我”比瓦尔特·惠特曼一大段诗歌中的“我”还多。但写日记时我仍心有顾虑,困扰我的还是几个幼稚问题:写给谁看?用什么笔调?我在欺骗谁呢?我自己?         

 我意识到自己不想要什么记录。我的这种脑袋,基本上只要事情一过,就都擦除得干干净净,像迪斯尼动画《爱丽丝漫游仙境记》中的簸箕扫帚狗一般,一边向前爬一边就把道路扫干净。我从不记得哪天干了什么,又或者碰到这件或那件事时自己多大年纪。我挺喜欢这样。我感到,等我老了,我的脑袋也不会觉得生活和现在有什么不同。这种不快的无记忆状态,虽然让最亲近的人心有怨气,也定然在某种程度上适合我;因为即便我有意改变,似乎也难做到。我不禁想,这种状态是否与写小说有直接关系。比如写小说时,我会在笔下重现多年前居住的公寓里的一块地毯。地毯一仍其旧,还是同样的经纱纬纱,但我已不记得住在那儿的年月,不记得与谁约会;甚至,连彼时父亲在世与否也记不起。或许,第一种无记忆系统,尽管无法留存日期或重大事件,却能让另一记忆系统发挥作用;第一中无记忆系统缺席时,便让出了空间;第二个系统为我脑中的一切联想清除了道路:这联想如同一只羞怯的夜行动物在我脑际疾驰而过,掀起许多奇奇怪怪的物什:一块块地毯,一朵枯萎的牡丹;又或是一张我曾钟爱的草莓贴纸,尽管1986年后再未见到,草莓的形状与香气却依旧如初,        

说到为人生而书写,真实、坦诚、日记体、毫无掩饰的书写,我唯一能在圣彼得和他人面前展示的,只有我1996年开通使用至今的雅虎电子邮箱账户。这个邮箱中的信件(虽然我无论如何也不愿再细读其中内容),大概是我最坦诚的人生记录,至少在文字上如此。这就是我,有好有坏,无论是崇高的善举还是卑下的谎言,或是家庭争吵、书生气的友情和网上潮牌购物,都在其中。同大多数人一样(我这么觉得),我会做噩梦梦到有人在我的邮箱账户中四处游逛,肆意阅读,品头论足。同时,在我死后,如果子女想知道我的日常形象,想知道我并非作为作家、并非作为多少算个体面人,而只是个蠢人的幕后样貌,那么,阅读这个邮箱中的文字,便不失明智之举。 

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